Are You In Lust, Love or Limerance?




I met a friend (1) of a friend (2) before the pandemic started and we really clicked but at the time I was in a bad place so let the moment pass to let him (1) know I was interested. Recently he (1) had a video up online and in a "chill" way I let my friend (2) know that I was attracted to him(1). My friend (2) got super excited by this as the guy (1) had told my friend (2) that he (1) was really attracted to me when he (1) met me. They (1&2) discussed the fact that we (me&1) fancy each other, but no one has.made a move yet. Im afraid its just a physical attraction on his (1) part and I think I like him (1) more than that. Plus he (1) is a few 100 miles away and its a global pandemic. Any advice?


One thing to make note of is that you like the man he presented to you the one time you met. You don't know if you like him. Right now, you're working off of limited information. You've created an idealized version of him in your head based solely on one interaction.


The reason I point this out is that we tend to create romanticized versions of people and grow attached to them, not the real person. We fall for the potential them. Then, when they reveal their true self over time, we're confused. At that point, we're usually too invested to just pack up and leave. We've devoted a great deal of time, thought and emotion to this person. It's near impossible to just switch off our emotions.


There are some essential phases of romantic love - lust (physical attraction), attraction (deepened attraction based on emotional connection), and attachment (when bonding occurs.) Shared experiences, opinions and emotions along with physical intimacy make up the foundation of healthy romantic bonding. It takes time. It's not something that normally can be achieved after just a few dates. To be clear: one can form a romantic bond without sex. Those that fall on the asexual spectrum can bond with romantic partners without intercourse or other forms of sexual activity.


Some people move through these phases slowly. Others at a quicker pace. That's why we're not always on the same page with someone we're dating. You likely blew through lust and are now squarely in the attraction phase.


Or you're experiencing limerence. Limerence occurs when someone (or both parties in a couple) find themselves consumed by thoughts of the other while also feeling a heightened sense of hope or fear of rejection. It's often devoid of rational thought. I think most of us reside in Limerence town for longer than we like. You never want to over-stay your welcome there.


Might he just be physically attracted to you? Yes, and that's okay! We all move through the phases of attraction and love at our own pace. For some, it starts with the physical, and yes that means a desire to have sex. Don't let that be a deterrent. Someone can want sex and love. We need to start normalizing people's expressed interest in sex. There's a line between wanting sex and wanting only sex. Of course, such expression need to be made with at the appropriate time and with maturity and consent. Without those considerations, a person is just being a creep to see if someone is open to having no-strings sex. I don't think you should worry if he's only interested in you physically. Not yet, at least. If he hasn't given you any indication that's the case, give him the benefit of the doubt.


I'm not a fan of women asking men out. However, I do encourage women to give men they like a few green lights move the process along. I would send this guy a message and say, "So I hear we both fancy each other." That way, you're communicating your interest without having to do all the work. One really good green flag is when someone meets you half-way.


Please update me if you decide to contact him. 😃




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