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How Do You Let Someone Go That Hurt You?

I went back on the dating apps back in September 2020 after eight years of being celibate for 8 years and I matched with this handsome guy and my rule of thumb is to talk through text messages and phone calls and FaceTime for a minimum of three weeks before meeting and he lived up to all my expectations. Our conversations were great, we were messaging each other every day morning (moon and night) and we’ve had those deep conversations even though we hooked up on a weekly basis all throughout September/October.

I told him that I deleted all my dating apps and I don’t want anyone but him. In the beginning he slept over , we cuddled, then he basically dropped the bomb on me in November 2020 saying that he was going on a date and I kind of emotionally blasted him (I was also drunk) when he told me this he then proceeded to tell me that he was going to give me my space. He was so consistent up until that point I didn’t think that my connection to him was being threatened in any way and we never spoke of any labels.

I guess what I’m trying to ask now is I’ve distanced myself from him but I don’t want anybody but him and he’s a single father and I completely respect that and understand where his time is prioritized. And I know that my feelings of love were miss placed with him because I fell in love with the potential and not the reality. I guess what I’m trying to ask is how do I get over him and leave him alone and not have him invade my thoughts all the time?

From what you wrote, it sounds like he got caught up in things. Telling you he had a date with someone else was his way of slowing things down.

His admission was jarring, which is what's making getting over him that much harder.

You weren't prepared to lose him because he behaved in a way that led you to feel safe. Having that safety ripped away from you now has you feeling traumatized. Loss of any relationship - serious, platonic, sexual - results in grief. You're grieving. That's what is behind the intrusive thoughts and feelings of remorse and guilt. When we lose a loved one, it's natural to wish we had done things differently.

You fell in love with the person he showed you. Once he realized he'd backed himself into a corner, the only way he saw out was to bulldoze through. That demonstrates a serious lack of sensitivity and emotional maturity. Something that might help you get over him is to acknowledge that what he did was a sign of things to come. He didn't communicate he was emotionally unavailable because he probably lacks the self-awareness to know that's the case. By announcing he had a date, he was being passive aggressive, which is always a sign of someone too cowardly to be honest. He could have just said he wanted to slow things down. Instead, he went for the full-on assault of blindsiding ou.

What he did likely wasn't a one-off. Smacking you over the head with the news he had a date is probably how he deals with conflict. It certainly hints at his total inability to empathize for someone he knows cares for him. Imagine what it must be like to be in a full-blown relationship with someone like that?

Right now, you think you're missing out on love. You're not. Now, in this moment, even though you feel awful, now you are truly safe. That thought might not cuddle with you or make you feel desired, but I hope it gives you some peace.

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