Just Say No To Coffee Dates


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I’ve been creating content about dating for a very long time. Some Evergreen topics will never stop being bandied about.


One of them is whether or not an invitation to coffee is an appropriate first date.

I’ll spare you the suspense. It’s not. Allow me to explain why.


Coffee Dates Are For Cheap Lazy Men

For the women who date men that are reading this, imagine if you will walking into a first date wearing sweatpants, a hoodie, and sneakers. Your unwashed hair is in a messy ponytail, and you haven’t showered yet. Imagine the ghastly expression your male date would be wearing upon first clocking you into the coffee hour or bar where you agreed to meet. He’d likely accuse you of catfishing him and storm out.

It’s expected of women to put themselves together for a first date.


We’re supposed to dress, put on makeup, and do our hair. To not do any of that could be construed as low effort. The worst part is, when she gets to that date, it’s almost assured she’ll be carrying the conversation as well. Whether or not that date is a positive experience largely depends on her.


Coffee dates don’t involve much planning. There’s a Starbucks on every block. You could go to a restaurant and only order coffee as long as you’re okay with the icy glares you’ll get from waitstaff, who could have seated a pair looking to run up a sizeable bill and leave a (hopefully!) twenty percent tip. Since that’s not the most desirable option, a deli or a coffee house is the only choice left. The latter could work if the coffee is paired with a dessert and the seating arrangements are optimal.


Coffee Dates Are A Test

When a man asks a woman to meet for coffee on a first date, there is an underlying message to the invitation.


I need to see if you’re worth it before I spend any money on you.


Why should a woman invest time in a man with a gaping chip on his shoulder?

If you read the comments on virtually any post about dating, you’ll find countless men lamenting that women want their money. For them, coffee dates are about filtering out the gold diggers. That might work, but they’re throwing all the other women who think they’re cheap and lazy out with the bath water.


When men extend that invitation to meet for coffee, they do it to see how a woman reacts. When she balks at his suggestion, her rejection only confirms the negative thought pattern that led him to suggest a coffee date in the first place. And the cycle continues. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Coffee Dates Are For Closers

I can hear many women now. “But I prefer coffee dates! If there’s no chemistry or I think he’s a creep, I can leave.”


This is true. I understand why coffee dates are preferable to some women. They are easier.


For men.


Coffee dates allow men to exert little effort while they make a woman prove to him why she’s worth a $10 cocktail and some bruschetta. There’s more pressure for women to “perform” to make it to the next round: An actual first date.

If anything, coffee dates should come when both parties’ intentions are clear. Coffee dates are for cold winter days, walking hand-in-hand and admiring the holiday lights. They’re for lazy Sunday mornings before you go your separate ways after spending the night together.


Coffee dates are for the ones that stick around. The ones that peel back their layers and let you really see them.


Coffee dates are for closers.

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