What are easy to detect signs that someone is emotionally unavailable ?
The one I’d like to focus on is more of an over-arching sign under which others fall:
A lack of substance.
When I help people write their dating profiles, there’s a reason I have them focus on three key areas: core values, passions, and personality traits. All three categories play a role in the foundation of our identity. To present them effectively requires self-awareness and a willingness to look within. These are two qualities possessed by people who are emotionally available.
A dating profile is devoid of substance if it focuses on shallow pursuits or traits like an activity they love or their sense of humor. On the flip side, an emotionally available person might mention how a certain hobby makes them feel or showcase a trait associated with emotional intelligence.
Someone emotionally unavailable lacks the ability or is unwilling to dig beneath the surface. They’re not interested in what makes someone tick. Not even themselves. Facing their emotions requires a level of vulnerability with which they are not comfortable. Converstions involve lots of deflection and humor to distract.
An emotionally unavailable person will try to control conversations. They don’t like serious discussions because they usually result in an emotional response.
An emotionally unavailable person will look for flaws to use as an excuse to avoid intimacy. They turn the tables to avoid accountability and growth. They don’t want to examine why they’re ambivalent about someone. That’s too daunting of a task. Instead, they’ll hone in on something innocuous and convince themselves the person they’re dating isn’t right for them.
Most importantly, someone emotionally unavailable doesn’t know what they want, both for themselves and from potential partners. To know what they want would require a personal inventory not just of their strengths - which are easy to access because they make them feel good - but also of their limitations aka what makes them feel bad.
In simpliest terms: an emotionally unavailable personal is usually shallow and emotionally hollow. They lack depth.