Hi, thank you for sharing your knowledge in such a kind way. I matched with a guy, it was a long-distance, he is 32 I'm 38 but he said that was not an issue. We hit it off, great chemistry, great sexual attraction. When talking about how long we've been single, he told me his last relationship was 6 months ago. I replied "ooff, that's so close" and he said "not to judge him for it" so I gave him a chance and kept texting. It was every day and night intense texting. He sent me photos of his family, his friends, the project he was working on. Etc. He seemed very invested but our conversations still lacked personal details. I always do video calls with my matches in the first week of texting but this one wouldn't ask for a phone date. That was a symptom to me so I wasn't willing to write about me without seeing his face since I am a mother and went through a divorce, I thought I should wait for a more intimate scenario to talk about me and see his reaction. 2 weeks passed and still only day to day, very romantic and hot messages kind of a thing.
Then he tells me his ex was coming to spend the weekend with him, "as friends" and that this was the first time they would see each other since the breakup but that it was just going to be a confirmation that they can remain on a friendly mode. That he did not doubt that it was over. That same day he told me he wanted to know more about me, that he was very interested in me, that he liked me and adore my ways and that we could set up a video call for that next week. I did not text him that whole weekend because I felt it was not my place to intervene, to give him space. And because I have a rule wish is that I don't compete with other women. My sense of value is strong. So he did text me a couple of times but since I didn't read those messages he couldn't keep the convo going.
On Monday I did reply like nothing had happened but a bit more slowly. He noticed I was different and I confronted him about his weekend and asked if he was still available because I didn't want to feel I was writing to someone without the freedom of wanting something more later on. He talked to me about it, said they had a great weekend but things were over, that he confirmed they are good as friends. And that he was glad I asked. Was very open and understanding. But also told me he was very busy that week because of work and didn't say anything about the video call. So the video call didn't happen. Our communication was still very intense and loving, good morning and good night texts etc. Then one day he sent me a video of his nephew and I felt it was time to ask him if he had any children of his own so he would ask me, he did. We had the conversation vía text, he said he was happy to know more about me, and that he had to see my IG photos of my girl but thought It was my sister's but recognized he didn't ask either. I explained that because of my tinder experience I don't talk about my personal life until I feel is safe to talk or important, or when there are a real interest and connection at that personal level and that I try to do it face to face and that was why I said I wanted to talk to him in that video call.
After this, his texts got more platonic, and fewer but still every day, as he is very polite. But in my head, I just felt he didn't like that information or the fact that I told him after weeks of talking. I don't feel his need to talk to me, and his texts lack the desire and connection I was feeling in the beginning, feels like a friend that doesn't want to end things, so he can have an option in the future. So I don't want to block him or ghost him, because he is very mature and polite. Could you please give me an idea of how to end things in this case? And what is your take on his situation? I really liked him but I think he was not that available anyways and now that he knows I have a life and I'm not to mess around he is pulling away just enough to keep me as an option for the future. I trust your verdict. Thank you so much for taking the time to help! And sorry for my rotten English. I have to be honest. This scenario sounds very much like you’ve matched and been communicating with a scammer. Even if that’s not the case, I’m going to highlight some of the red flags you can look out for in the future. he is 32 I'm 38 but he said that was not an issue. This very much is an issue. If he wanted kids, then he would know that dating a woman approaching 40 would make that goal exponentially more difficult (but in no way impossible) to conceive. Guys who say things like “age doesn’t matter” at that age are just buttering women up.
It was every day and night intense texting. He sent me photos of his family, his friends, the project he was working on. If the project he was working on was something remote or involved engineering, that’s most definitely a scammer. This feels like he’s trying to prove to you that he’s real. If he’s not a scammer, this is a tactic to hasten emotional intimacy. He’s letting you into his world by showing you pictures of family and friends. Think of how cautious you are of photos you send of other people and ask yourself if this feels normal.
He seemed very invested but our conversations still lacked personal details. Scammers do this because they are working from a literal script. They only know so much about the person whose identity they have stolen. Someone with something to hide is also going to be hesitant to reveal details because they don’t want to let slip anything identifiable that will help you track them down online.
I always do video calls with my matches in the first week of texting but this one wouldn't ask for a phone date. As I’ve said previously, someone who refuses to get on a video call is most likely either ambivalent about dating or hiding something.
Then he tells me his ex was coming to spend the weekend with him, "as friends" and that this was the first time they would see each other since the breakup but that it was just going to be a confirmation that they can remain on a friendly mode. There was no need for him to tell you this other than he knew he was going to be going radio silent and didn’t want you reaching out to him at inopportune moments. He wanted to be able to control the flow of the messaging. If this is true and he did meet up with his Ex, then he’s not over her. Who does this? Who tests the waters 6 months later to be sure their relationship is truly over? The only people who would do that are ones who think there’s still hope and that the relationship can be reignited. Furthermore, why would he tell you this at all? That’s a weird boundary to cross when you’re talking with a match. That reeks of manipualtion, like he was trying to make you feel insecure.
But also told me he was very busy that week because of work and didn't say anything about the video call. So the video call didn't happen. Shocking. He keeps putting this one significant step off. Ask yourself why.
After this, his texts got more platonic, and fewer but still every day, as he is very polite. But in my head, I just felt he didn't like that information or the fact that I told him after weeks of talking. Telling him you had kids was the game changer, but understand that it wouldn’t have mattered when you told him. Younger men aren’t as open to raising someone else’s kids as older men are. He still wouldn’t have proceded with the relationship. If he’s a scammer, your insistence upon having a video call could have scared him off. Could you please give me an idea of how to end things in this case? My honest opinion? Ghost him. Say nothing. This guy is not your friend. I don’t think you owe him anything considering you don’t even know if he’s who he says he is.
I would definitely stick to your rule of not communicating for longer than a week without a video chat. It will save you a lot of time and angst.
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