I’m a 38-year-old woman, and I recently ended a relationship with a man who I now realize was a narcissist. At first, he was everything I thought I wanted. Over time, the red flags appeared: the constant need for admiration, his subtle (and not-so-subtle) put-downs, and how he’d make me feel guilty for bringing up concerns.
He would gaslight me, twist my words, and make me doubt my feelings. It somehow became my fault if I was upset about something he did. When I tried to leave, he’d pull me back with apologies and promises to change. It was a cycle that felt impossible to break.
After nearly three years, I finally found the courage to walk away. I’m in therapy now, working through the damage, but I still find myself second-guessing everything. I’ve also started dating again, but I’m worried I won't be able to spot the signs like last time.
I admire the work you do helping women navigate the dating world, and I would love your advice. How can I heal and rebuild my confidence in relationships? And how can I ensure I don’t fall for another narcissist?
If you follow me on Instagram, you know I posted a series on how our intuition works last week and why it’s so reliable. As devastating as this experience was for you, it also provided you with cues and patterns that will assist you in spotting the red flags sooner. Intuition pulls from previous experiences, even ones we have difficulty recalling, and transmits all that information to our brains.
If you’ve never experienced this kind of traumatic relationship, it’s unlikely you’d be able to recognize the signs. Your brain would process the behavior as such, even with family or friends.
When I tried to leave, he’d pull me back with apologies and promises to change. It was a cycle that felt impossible to break.
What you just described is a trauma bond. Intermittent reinforcement causes us to produce surges of dopamine. Eventually, we become dependent on that rush, reinforcing the toxic bond. When the relationship hits a snag, our dopamine levels drop. Like going turkey from any addictive substance, we suffer from withdrawals until we produce another surge of dopamine.
You kept returning, not because you thought he’d change but because you were suffering and only his validation would soothe you. It’s not because you were weak or foolish. It’s because you were in pain.
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