Why You NEVER Ask Someone Why They Dumped You

Updated: Sep 16, 2020

There I was, innocently sipping my iced coffee, my gorgeous pitt bull snoring at my feet, when I saw this headline.

She Ended Things After the Second Date and Gave me a Rundown of What Went Wrong

After the second date, we left on an odd note, and we took some time to reflect and when we spoke again, we decided that we shouldn’t continue dating. It was pretty mutual, but I don’t feel the need to cover up the fact that it was her idea.
“Do you really want to know why?” she asked me. “Some guys beg me to tell them, then they call me a c**t.”
I told her I definitely wouldn’t do that, and that I appreciated the opportunity to learn. She laid out for me exactly what turned her off about the second date, and I was shocked. Mostly because I was totally unaware of how I was making her feel.

On its face, the idea of asking for some kind of dumping post-mortem sounds like it would be helpful. I mean. They dumped you. They should know what you did wrong, right?


While there is inexcusable behavior (you insulted them, you said something hateful or offensive, your hygiene is bad) there's also behavior that can be easily rectified with a brief mature conversation.

None of the reasons this woman gave for ending things with this guy were based in fact. They were all her perception. Let's run through them:

I didn’t encourage her to talk about herself

She's an adult. If she wanted to share something or talk about herself, she always could have taken the reigns of the conversation. It's not other people's job to provide prompts that will allow you to engage in the conversation. This one is on her.

I talked about myself (a lot)

I wonder if that's because she refused to contribute to the conversation?

She worried that I only wanted sex

Again, she could have simply used her words and asked him what he was looking for (which I don't advise as most people will just say whatever will make the conversation less awkward.) Or she could have said, "Hey, I had fun the other night, but I want to be clear I'm not looking to casually date or just hook-up." That would open the door to a broader conversation about what they were looking for and each other's expectations.

“You may not have space in your life for someone else.”

Two dates. TWO. DATES. Nobody - and I mean