I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 weeks and things are going well. We get along well, enjoy similar activities and have great conversations. In the past week or so things have started to become more intimate. A few days after we slept together for the first time, he asked me if I was interested in pursuing a serious relationship, if things continue to go well. I said yes and we talked about the idea.
He then told me that he had been seeing someone else, was dating her before we met, but that he was going to break if off with her because he wants to focus on me and since things are becoming more intimate between us. I told him I was not seeing anyone else and had in fact deleted my dating profile the day before.
I appreciate him being honest with me, but I was a bit taken aback, because since our first date I have felt a strong connection with him and wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else (I am also an almost full-time single parent, so I don’t really have time/ mental energy to date more than one person. He is also a single parent but has more time to himself). I guess I just feel strange because he seemed to be dedicating a lot of time to me in terms of talking, texting, interest, etc., and it feels weird to me that he was potentially doing this with someone else at the same time.
However, I know he feels a stronger connection with me and wants to date me exclusively, and he also mentioned they had not slept together yet. I also have a lot of trauma/ abuse in my background with past relationships, so I think that may be part of the reason this is triggering for me. Any suggestions for putting this “other person” out of my mind and moving forward with him?
He then told me that he had been seeing someone else, was dating her before we met, but that he was going to break if off with her because he wants to focus on me…
You know how they say that one sign of deception is when the liar includes too much detail?
That’s kind of like this in a way. Before you get nervous hear me out.
I will never not side-eye someone’s decision to offer extraneous information in certain situations. He didn’t have to tell you he was seeing someone else. Especially if his plan was to stop seeing her now that things have become intimate with you. There was no reason to tell you this.
In cases like this, the first thing you want to try and establish is why they told you something you didn’t need to know. What was the purpose? Was it a selfless move on their part, an innocent admission, or did they tell you to score themselves points?
That’s why I suspect he wasn’t actually dating anyone else. I think he made her up to see if you were dating someone. He’s pretending to make a grand gesture here by saying he’s going to break things off with this likely imaginary woman.
I guess I just feel strange because he seemed to be dedicating a lot of time to me in terms of talking, texting, interest, etc., and it feels weird to me that he was potentially doing this with someone else at the same time.
More than likely he wasn’t. I mean, he could have been but I doubt it. Now, if he did in fact manufacture this woman as a ruse to get you to admit if you were seeing someone else, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It could be a sign that he really likes you.
Or it could be a sign that he’s manipulative.
Only time will tell.
I also have a lot of trauma/ abuse in my background with past relationships, so I think that may be part of the reason this is triggering for me.
I think in addition to your history of trauma this might be triggering for you because it strays from your baseline experience. Something about this scenario feels off to you. Again, that doesn’t mean this guy is rotten. Something can feel off because it isn’t typical or normal. If it matters at all, my immediate reaction after reading this was he was lying. I consider myself to be an extremely rational and logical person. If you’re being paranoid then so am I.
Any suggestions for putting this “other person” out of my mind and moving forward with him?
Well, you can start by reminding yourself that she probably doesn’t exist. That should help. Even if she is real, he decided to see things through with you. I didn’t say he chose you because I hate framing these sorts of things in that way. It implies that you were somehow the victor and the other woman was competition.
To figure out this guy’s motive you’re going to have to spend more time with him. The bubble has been burst a bit. That’s a good thing. Rather than being blind to any future red flags, you’ll be more likely to spot them.
Why do you think he told her he was seeing someone else? Leave your answer in the comments.