Listening to the Dateology podcast is always a highlight of each week for me. I have a question about knowing if you're being lied to a guy about wanting to be in a serious relationship. I matched with a guy on Tinder in early September, we'll call him Oliver.
We went out on our first date to a wine bar not long after we matched, and we hit it off. We did not run out of things to talk about, and we had much in common. We had our next date the following week at a trendy restaurant he picked out. The date was another success, and a few days later I invited him over my place to watch Bohemian Rhapsody. We scheduled another date for later in the week, but he ends up cancelling it due to work obligations.
We schedule another one for the following week, and then around 1pm, he texts me and says that he is sorry he cannot make the date, his back is messed up and he can barely walk. We reschedule for two weeks out because he is super busy, and then the fourth date rolls around and at 9am he sends me a text that says "I can't do tonight, I'm sorry. I got asked to fill at a work dinner for one of my colleagues." I texted back "Maybe we can do something for my birthday." I thought that would be the last I would hear from him, but he texts me back asking me what restaurant I would want go to, and I chose one of my favorite trattorias. He made reservations and he also booked a fancy hotel room for us nearby. We finally have our fourth date on my birthday, it was on Tuesday. We had a really nice time, he loved the trattoria I picked out.
He did say something to me that gave me pause at the restaurant. We got on the topic of dad jokes somehow, and then I asked him if he was good at thinking up dad jokes, and he said "yeah, sometimes. I don't know if I will ever have kids, but maybe someday. We'll see. I know in your profile it says that you want kids someday." Yes it does, it explicitly states I am dating with the goal of a long term relationship, and I would love to have kids in the next few years, I'm 34. And then he says "You turned 34 today? You've still got time before you have to worry about that."
I can't be the only one bothered by men mansplaining fertility to women. I am hypereducated on reproductive related issues, so I don't need a man discussing fertility with me, but several men have done this to me. It is not that I don't know that it is common for women to have babies later in the life, it is that I am sick of getting my time wasted by men who don't care. And it doesn't like having kids was necessarily something that was a life goal of his, so it made me curious why he would ask me out anyway. He is almost 34 and divorced once by the way.
So, We went over to the hotel and watched TV, and we checked out the next day. He sends me a text after I get home and says "Hope to see you again soon." I responded with "Now that you've gotten a preview, are you interested in dating me?" And he says "are you talking about an exclusive relationship? " And I said "eventually working up towards that, I'm not in a rush." He says "Okay good, I'm not ready for that, but I enjoy going on dates and spending time with you." I almost ended the conversation right there, but instead I sent another text that said "Well if you don't see it leading to that in the future, let me know." And then he counters with "Likewise. I think we are on the same page, and looking for the same things, just not in a rush."
My question for you is, do you think maybe he adjusted his response to me so that I would continue to date him? His split from his wife was in 2019, so I'm not sure if that's a factor here as to why he is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship. I'm not ready to delete my dating apps yet for this guy, so I wasn't asking for commitment. I am just curious as to where this is all headed, and I'm wondering if this is going to turn out to be another situationship. I received notification the other day that I matched with a new guy on Tinder, and he seems really nice. I'm wondering if I should give him a chance. Or should I wait to see where things go with Oliver?
This guy should have been a distant memory he canceled not one, not two, but THREE DATES. Right there he demonstrated he had no problem wasting your time.
Then he admitted that he swiped right on you knowing you wanted kids and he was unsure. That’s another example of him being selfish. I’m holding up three fingers right now. One for each time this guy was inconsiderate.
He did say something to me that gave me pause at the restaurant. We got on the topic of dad jokes somehow, and then I asked him if he was good at thinking up dad jokes, and he said "yeah, sometimes. I don't know if I will ever have kids, but maybe someday. We'll see. I know in your profile it says that you want kids someday."
Aaaand up goes the fourth finger. This guy is a clown not worthy of your time.
I responded with "Now that you've gotten a preview, are you interested in dating me?"
Please don’t ever make yourself this vulnerable to any man who hasn’t earned that vulnerability. You already allowed him to cancel plans multiple times. This guy knows he can trample all over you and you’ll keep coming back for more. People respect people who stand their ground.
And he says "are you talking about an exclusive relationship? " And I said "eventually working up towards that, I'm not in a rush."
Yes. You are. You want kids, remember? You might not be trying to wheel him down the aisle strapped to a dolly, but marriage and kids are the goals you’ve set for yourself. This was the point in the conversation where you say, “Yes, I’m talking about an exclusive relationship. That’s where I’d like this to go within the next couple months.”
Because it is.
He says "Okay good, I'm not ready for that, but I enjoy going on dates and spending time with you." I almost ended the conversation right there, but instead I sent another text that said "Well if you don't see it leading to that in the future, let me know." And then he counters with "Likewise. I think we are on the same page, and looking for the same things, just not in a rush."
Baby Jesus on a pogo stick. This guy could win a Gold Medal in the Distancing Language Olympics. How many times did he say he wasn’t ready for that or not in a rush? He’s using a bunch of other words to distract you. Don’t let him do that. He’s not looking for a relationship. Period.
My question for you is, do you think maybe he adjusted his response to me so that I would continue to date him?
Yes. But you knew that.
I'm not ready to delete my dating apps yet for this guy, so I wasn't asking for commitment.
Whether you want commitment now or in two months is irrelevant. Your goal is a serious relationship that leads to marriage and kids. That exact date when you and a man decide together to be exclusive doesn’t matter. You’re allowed to have a time line.
Any time a man asks what you’re looking for, you say a committed relationship. Statements only. No qualifiers or stuff about how you’re not in a rush. When you say that, you give a man free license to waste your time. You need to be explicit, as does he.
You MUST set that boundary as early as possible. You’re not going to scare him off if he wants the same thing.
Five out of five Fuck That Guys. Unmatch.