I was a married and hooked up with a married man at a mutual friend’s party. No excuse-My husband was ten years older than me and we’d had a “sexless marriage,” for the past 5 years. We divorced and I continued to see the other man. This has been going on for 3 years and he hasn’t left because of his teenaged kids. He and his wife sleep separately and he spends the weekends overnight with me. Other than the fact he hasn’t left, he’s a great guy. We communicate really well and both hold a growth mindset. We get along great and time still flies when we hang out. We also make a stunning couple, we’re both tall, athletic, he’s black, I’m white. The sex is always great. We had our past lives done and supposedly were in each other’s past lives several times, but never as lovers. Now he says he is very close to leaving, but he still hasn’t said anything to anyone, including talking to an attorney. So, the big question is, do I stay, or do I go?
You’re going to get a ton of deserved shit for this, so buckle up. Nothing incites internet outrage in online women’s spaces like a woman who “steals” another woman’s man.
Other than the fact he hasn’t left, he’s a great guy.
Let me stop you right there. He cheated on his wife. He’s not a great guy. You have framed him as such in your mind because a) it fits your narrative and b) it allows you to justify your own actions.
We also make a stunning couple, we’re both tall, athletic, he’s black, I’m white.
Yikes. Okay. So, you admit to fetishizing him, yes? Because you are. You’re taking a physical characteristic - in this case his skin color - and hyper-sexualizing it. Black people have dealt with this kind of stereotyping for centuries. Specifically black women. This is one of the many reason black women have such a tumultuous online dating experience. They are constantly dealing with men who hyper-sexualize them or make them feel like an experiment. From the article:
The risible idea that Black women are not suitable for respectable dating or marriage, but instead fitting for temporary sexual relations, stems from the Jezebel image, a sexually aggressive Black woman dating back to slavery, Jim Crow, and present in the 21st century. The ludicrous belief that Black men are dangerous and aggressive stems from the 19th century (and much of the early 20th century) when intimacy between Black men and white women was considered rape, despite consensual interest. The Dating Divide dives deeper into these eras and the distinct rules and regulations that were enforced to prevent non-Black people from mating with and finding Black people attractive and worthy of respect, while simultaneously fueling anti-Blackness. These tactics were so strongly ingrained in culture that they’ve been able to persist over centuries and find a new home in the digital space, where we find ourselves avoiding, ignoring, and filtering out potential love interests simply because of their race.
You think you and and your boyfriend are “stunning” because of the contrast of your race/skin color. You need to recognize this because there’s ingrained racism at work. Full stop. Just because you’re white and dating a black man doesn’t mean you get to play the “I’m not a racist” card. Girl. GIRL.
This man cheated on the mother of his children. What makes you think he has more regard for you than her?
I’m not going to get into the whole “women need to support women” stuff. I’ll start falling back on that when women apply that equally across all situations, not just in ones that involve men. Let’s keep the focus where it belongs: On the man for cheating. That’s not to excuse the woman for helping enable his infidelity. It’s a failing of moral character and should be viewed as such. However, it’s not the responsibility of one woman to ensure another woman’s man doesn’t cheat. That responsibility is the man and the man alone.
This man has already proven he can not be trusted. He’s stucking around because it’s more beneficial for him to do that than leave and be with you. So, as you can see, he’s choosing his needs over yours.
I want you to try and imagine what his wife’s life must be like. How it must feel for her to know he’s spending his weekends with another woman while she stays home with their children.
If he hasn’t consulted an attorney he is not close to leaving. He’s buying time. He doesn’t need to leave his wife. He has the perfect set-up. He’s got one home where his kids live and where his meals get made and his laundry gets done. Then he gets to have his weekends to himself while he has great sex with another woman. Why should he leave that? As long as he’s still married he has a built-in excuse not to make things official with you. Which they are not, by the way. He’s still very much married and has an entire life with another woman.
We both know that I’m going to tell you to leave him the dust and you won’t. You’re going to see this through to the end. Spoiler alert: This will not work in your favor. Ever. Sure, there might be a brief time where you guys get to pretend you didn’t destroy the lives of your partners and his kids. That period will be short-lived. First, his kids are going to justifiably hate you and side with their mother as they should. That’s going to make your life pretty miserable. Then you’ll have to live with the knoweldge that the man you have is blatantly deceitful and selfish. A sexless marriage? Okay. Sure. Isn’t that what they all do? Blame the wife?
Think long and hard if that’s the life you want. You and he will never be able to escape how you got together and the people you hurt.
Please note: I get that this situation isn’t great but please DO NOT insult or degrade the letter writer in your comments.