Updated: Jul 8
Hi, prior to the virus pandemic I explored online dating without success. I have encountered that the quality of men on these sites is very poor and almost all of these men use online dating sites for hookups. This is really disappointing and such a turn off. I do not feel optimistic about finding a good, respectful, successful, intelligent, loving, affectionate family man in my near future.
Okay. I feel like this is one of those myths that's been repeated so many times it's widely considered fact, despite there being no data to back it up.
Even on its face, the belief that there are no men on dating sites or apps like Tinder of Hinge looking for a relationship doesn't make sense. How are we measuring this data point again? I need to see numbers,.
I believe the reason why so many women walk away from their online dating experience so disgruntled is because they're focusing on men who have objectively more options than they do and are ignoring the men who are available.
Think about it. Just from a mathematical stand point, does it make sense to make such a sweeping observation like "almost all men using dating sites for hookups?" Wouldn't the more accurate theory be that almost all the men that particular woman likes are just looking to hook-up? That's a rhetorical question, of course. The answer is a resounding Yes!
This also goes for the men who whine about all the supposed gold-diggers on dating apps. No, not all women on dating sites are just looking for attention and a free meal. Only those you prefer allegedly act that way.
Perception is also key here. Are these people just looking for personal gratification or are they deciding after initial conversation or a date they're not interested? Because they're allowed to do that. That's why these broad brush stroke statements need to be challenged rather than taken at face value.
So, what do you do if you keep meeting people who "just want sex/attention.free meals?" Well, re-assess your approach. If you find you're the one initiating everything, take that as a red flag. Look back at your matches and determine who made the first move - liking, swiping, what have you. If you learn that you were the one taking initiative most, you just discovered the solution to this particular challenge. You're making the first move all the time because the other person doesn't have to. They're being pursued not just by you, but by others.
I've said before that the best use of your time on these dating platforms is to focus on the people who initiate interest, either by swiping Yes first, liking your profile first, or messaging first after a match.
If you want a relationship, then you're going to have to wean yourself off the thrill of the chase and the drama. That's what most singles find so alluring about those with an abundance of options. They bring to the table an elusiveness that only serves to make us want them more.
What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing, over and over, hoping for different results. At some point, we have to take responsibility for our experiences. If the norm for you is matching with someone who ends up sending unsolicited nudes or who keeps cancelling dates, ghosting, or just plain standing you up, there were likely signs you overlooked. We tend to be more forgiving of those with objectively good looks or status. We also have a tendency to cling to a match because it's rare for us to make one at all. In both cases, we're setting ourselves up for failure. Hoping against hope isn't a productive use of people's time, but it seems to be what so many of us do when we meet someone we really like. We let things slide. We justify. We rationalize.
The one thing we don't do is the very thing that will bring us success: admit we're the common denominator and acknowledge that something has to change. And that something is us. We have to re-calibrate our selection process. More importantly, we have to be honest with ourselves about who we can attract with minimal struggle and accept that's where we will find the relationship we seek.
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