Advice For Dealing With Dating App Rejection

Advice for dealing with dating app rejection

I am 43, female, have a graduate degree, employed, own my house, have one great son, financially stable, and kind and nice to men I interact with on dating apps. I have been told I am attractive ("hot"). I do turn down men on online dating apps (for things like being rude, unemployed, not being single, saying inappropriate things, etc.); however, anytime I am interested in a man I find desirable (intelligent, employed, single, funny, etc.), I get rejected. I am curious what others are dealing with. Any words of wisdom. Thank you! - Dating Over 40 Subreddit

When it comes to dating app advice, here's the reality of the situation.

If you find certain men attractive, other women probably do, too, especially on dating apps, where the bar is in hell. Men are given points just for filling out their profile and not posting a shirtless selfie. Our minds trick us into believing the man we see before us is more interesting and attractive than he is.

This creates a false sense of the men’s desirability and convinces them they have limitless options. As a result, these men delude themselves into believing they’re more of a catch than they actually are, and they are more selective than warranted.

Culturally, men are not encouraged to settle. They’re conditioned to believe that their value is tied to the illusion of success, i.e., a high-paying job, a position of perceived power, or an atypically attractive partner. Women who date men often accept less than they deserve because society hammers into our heads that male attention and validation trump emotional fulfillment and financial/professional success. Men hold out for something “better” because society has permitted them to do so.

In summary, this woman swipes right on men with an abundance of options on dating apps (but not necessarily in real life). Her lack of success on the apps is not a reflection on her. It’s a by-product of the patriarchy and the Paradox of Choice.

So, what’s the solution?

1. Diversify - Add a few “maybes” to your portfolio. By that, I mean swipe right on people who don’t immediately grab you. That is, as long as you don’t find them or their profiles offensive.

2. Add some dopamine hits to your profile. Add things to your profile that light up a potential match’s reward system. Identify patterns in other profiles and switch it up. Open with a joke or fun fact. Feel free to use fragmented sentences. Ask questions. The goal isn’t to be better; it’s to be different and break up the monotony. Make readers feel seen by tapping into their feelings. “If you tear up at ASPCA commercials, laugh a little too hard at Dad jokes, and still believe the lid to your pot is out there, swipe right.” Upload pictures that have a story behind them. Our brains are more responsive to moments than poses.

3. Log in and update your profile regularly. Everything you do on a dating app creates data, which is then used to monetize the platform. The more active you are, the more the algorithm will do to keep you engaged. They must appeal to your preferences just enough that you don’t stop using the app.

4. Invest in people who show interest first. Remember, dating apps are first and foremost a business. They don’t generate revenue if people join, fall in love, and uninstall. They want you to get frustrated enough to pay for add-ons like Super Likes and boosts. You’re not as many matches as you’d like because they want you to spend more money. The only option you should pay for is the ability to see who has viewed, liked, or swiped on your profile. You appeared in their search stack because you fit their selected preferences. Those people are looking for you. You’ll probably reject ninety percent of them, but it only takes one.

   
   
   
   

🎙️ Want more unfiltered takes on dating apps, rejection, and why the algorithm might be gaslighting you? Tune into the Dateology Coach Podcast—where we decode the mess with humor, honesty, and zero tolerance for bare-minimum men. New episodes every other week. 💥