Known this guy for 30 years,- best friends brother. he clears his schedule for me on weekends - night my choice - wines and dines - has said he doesn’t want a commitment but treats me like a girlfriend when we are together met all his friends etc. Almost no contact in between. I love the sex - phenomenal and it feels really good to be doted on for a change and we always have a blast. I am divorced (alcoholism - he passed last year.) Is it wrong to keep seeing him even though I know it won’t go anywhere and I have my life and he has his? I wonder if I’m keeping myself from “a match” but really think dating again would suck. I enjoy our time together but wonder if it’s detrimental in the long run as I compare other guys to him which isn’t fair because we have a long history.
What we have here is someone who wants the companionship and benefits of a relationship but without the obligation and exclusivity. The kids call scenarios like this "situationships."
Let's be clear: you are in a relationship with this man, whether he wants to admit that or not. He wants a girlfriend. He just doesn't want the obligation that comes with having one That doesn't mean he cares for you any less than if you and he were committed. It simply means he's drawing the line at pledging any kind of fidelity or promising you more time than he's willing to give. This will work for him - and you - until it doesn't. Could he change his mind?
Maybe.
If he were keeping you a secret, I might suggest he's spending time with you until he finds someone he would commit to. That he's introducing you to his friends means he's opening himself up to questions about you and what's going on. I don't think he'd do that if there weren't some substance to the relationship.
That said, it's unwise to sit back and hope he'll come around. For now, you know the score: he doesn't want a commitment.
You'll only keeping yourself from a match is if you consciously decide to do so. If you know you will get attached and be hurt when the relationship ends, then you need to do what's best for your mental health and disengage. Easier said than done, of course.
However, if you're enjoying the time spent with him and can keep yourself in check, there's no reason why you can't continue seeing him. It's perfectly okay to be accepting of the terms of this arrangement. Don't let yourself feel bad for wanting some companionship and sex. You're human. Also don't let peers shame you into thinking you're sad for "accepting less." That kind of virtue signaling is nothing more than projection. Do you feel good when you're with him? Great!
You can know what you deserve and still prioritize your own happiness. If you're willingly making the choice free of shame, it's not settling. Some people will try to make you think that it is, but that's usually a sign that they have done the same thing. Only when they did it, they compromised themselves.
Just because you're a woman doesn't men you must crave a monogamous committed relationship. It's almost like you feel guilty not for casually dating someone you know doesn't want a relationship but for not caring that you're dating someone who doesn't want a relationship. It's okay! In fact, it's better than ok!
The only thing you must do is regularly check-in with yourself. If he ended things right now, will you be devastated or will you simply be disappointed and move on? Is they're a chance of getting hurt here? You bet, but - GIRL - you lost your husband. You've been through far worse. You're stronger and more resilient now. Anything after that kind of trauma is just mild discomfort.
You got this.