I am a 55 year old man in the UK and think I look okay for my years , solvent and have my own home . I lost my partner to cancer 2 years ago , we had a brilliant relationship and never argued, but it was kind of unconventional. 17 years in an LAT relationship, very much a couple, just that we both had our own homes and basically lived together in two houses and were rarely apart , both cool with it if either of us wanted to do something individually. So this is the thing. I'm in a good place and have had a few dates but I am really struggling with the expectations of women . I loved your comments on not having to know everything before you meet someone but it seems that they want to know everything!
Two things that have happened leave me a bit bewildered to what women of our age want ( as I am looking to date age appropriately + or - 5 years ) .
1. I had about 5 dates with a woman who had been on the dating scene for 10 years and only 2 guys had made the cut , well almost . She had a huge list of questions and every date was like an intensive interview , I was exhausted in the end and thinking this isnt enjoyable even though she was a nice person. Questions ranged from financial ,sexual preferences, politics,relationships, etc etc. just as I was about to tell her that I didnt think it was worth us continuing to meet she told me that I was a nice guy but she wasnt feeling it,but I'd basically got through the interviews with flying colours. I just laughed my head off , I mean how can there be Chemistry when you are being interviewed like that ? To be honest I think that my mistake was to answer her questions, maybe I should have not been so honest especially in areas that are not relevant at the beginning. Maybe I could have used a bit of humour to deflect some of the questions? Weirdly we are good friends now but I wouldn't want to date her again.
2 . One of the dates I had a woman said to me that the entry minimum requirements for a date with her was that I had my own home and decent job and finances . I understand the reasons . Let's face it , in your 50s do you want to get involved with someone who is a financial drain on your own life ? But the comments made me think , hang on a minute, what you are saying is that I start at zero with you, if I qualify to talk to you ? In my 30s owning my own home , having a good job and being financially secure would have all been bonus points in the dating scene . Now in my 50s it's a minimum requirement. I found this quite offensive.
Its difficult in this climate to just meet people and I wonder if I should just shelve the dating apps and wait until we can socialize more openly. Are people just over thinking things ? Me included .
After only a few months on Tik Tok, one thing I can say is that dating in 2021 is especially fraught. People don't seem to be reading dating profiles to discern compatibility but rather for reasons to reject someone.
I have the same opinion of those like the women you describe in your letter. I believe the never-ending stream of questions isn't being done to vet you but to exclude you. Men and women are looking around every corner anticipation a monster. Hence why, I think, they keep encountering one. Or so they think.
My advice isn't to deflect or respond with a joke. Instead, simply shut down and let your date know you have no intention of answering their questions. The ones with real potential will respect the boundary and change the subject. The ones who might be using shallow criteria like whether or not you own your house to determine your value will think you're hiding someone (or rude) and will reject you. Thus saving you the time, effort and money you'd have invested on future dates.
Firing questions at someone you barely know is actually a form of self-sabotage. It's a way to assert control where none exists. Obviously, being on the receiving end of such treatment is off-putting. So much so that many people opt out of future dates because of it.