I matched with a guy and we had our first date which went well until he started getting very touchy. He asked if he could come home with me I said no and he insisted a little bit before I ended the date. We had already planned a second date for the weekend but he asked to see me the following day. I figured he would try harder to sleep with me again and I told him that while I thought we had great chemistry and I liked him, the emphasis on sex early on made me very uncomfortable. I reiterated that I was looking for a relationship and wanted to move slowly to build something meaningful with someone and I cancelled our second date.
A few weeks later he reached out and said that he understood where I was coming from and he couldn’t stop thinking about me and the connection we had and asked to meet up again. We had dinner and it went well. For our third date we did a day trip and it was amazing. He was very thoughtful about the whole thing and planned every detail. When he dropped me off he asked to come in and I said no. He’s tried to see me everyday since and every time I say I can’t (which is true) he makes me feel very guilty. While I really want to see him I’m feeling very overwhelmed.
We have an amazing connection but the constant requests to meet up are tiring and I get anxiety about him trying to have sex again. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if he truly likes me or see having sex with me as a challenge.
I matched with a guy and we had our first date which went well until he started getting very touchy.
Here’s the first boundary cross. He should be keeping is grimy paws off you unless you’ve consented to be touched. He doesn’t get to grope you because he feels like it. It doesn’t matter what he’s done or how much money he’s spent. Only you get to decide when anyone - man or woman - can encroach upon your physical space.
We had already planned a second date for the weekend but he asked to see me the following day.
This right here? This - combined with his unwillingness to respect your boundaries - is a red flag. (Independently it’s not that big of a deal.) The first date isn’t even over yet and he’s already planning/suggesting the next date. I know many people will tell me I’m crazy for thinking this is problematic, but hear me out.
This is called future faking. It’s a very common tactic used by narcissists and other manipulative types of people to get what they want. It’s used to create a false sense of security. “Oh, well he’s already asked me out again. That means he likes me. I can sleep with him and not worry he’ll ghost.”
When you didn’t agree to go home with him, he planned another date. This time for the following night. This is where your critical thinking kicks in. What’s the urgency? Why is this guy trying to book so many dates in one week?
The likely answer is he’s trying to get in a certain number of dates he believes you need to have before you’ll feel comfortable having sex.
A few weeks later he reached out and said that he understood where I was coming from
Oh? If that’s the case, why did it take him so long to come around and see your point of view? A mature adult would have taken no for an answer the first time you said it. He shouldn’t have needed to ponder the situation. The answer should have been obvious.