If You Don't Do Hookups Then Don't Hookup.




Here's a Reddit post we address on this week's Dateology Podcast.


TL;DR: guy who had no intention of dating me misled me and manipulated me into sleeping with him early into the relationship, after I told him I don’t do hookups. I want to confront him after my realization. He left the door open for friendship. But I want to tell him what he did was terrible. Should I? Anyone have any tips for recovering from this sort of heartbreak?
I met the guy on OLD a little over a month ago. On the first date I told him that I don’t date casually or do hookups. I’m really looking for a partner and I don’t mind being single, but I don’t want to waste my time or emotional energy on something that isn’t what I’m looking for.
He seemed to agree with me. We connected so well on the first date(so I thought). It really felt like I’d known him for so long. After the first date he said he felt very comfortable with me, and I took this as a sign he at least saw some potential.

Here's the thing: there's a difference between someone intentionally misleading someone for personal gain and someone deciding over time that there's no long-term potential.


One the first date, she told him she doesn't do casual hookups and then proceeded to sleep with him sooner than she felt comfortable doing so. This is the primary reason I discourage people from including the "No Hookups!" disclaimer in their dating profile. That claim is meaningless specifically because of scenarios like the one depicted in the post. Those who have heard dates make this same claim have likely also witnessed that person contradict themselves by hooking-up with someone they've recently met. If anything, those words tell people you're more likely to have sex fairly quickly, not less.


You can't say you won't sleep with someone casually then turn around and sleep with them after one or two dates. There's nothing wrong with having sex on the first few dates, mind you. The problem isn't the sex but the decision to disregard a personal boundary you've verbally expressed then blame the other person when things don't unfold the way you want.


You also can not take people's agreement with your statements as confirmation they feel a certain way about you. Of course the man in this post responded affirmatively when she brought up preferring sex with an emotional component. Ideally, that's what most people looking for a relationship want, but that's not always the order in which things progress. He didn't necessarily lead her on so much as she made assumptions because of his verbal cues. When she began to pressure him to make up his mind about the direction of the relationship, he opted out. Could he have been intentionally misleading? Sure, but it's just as possible he simply backed off because she was pushing him to commit.


If your actions don't align with your words, what you say will be dismissed. Worse, you'll attract the very people you're trying to avoid.

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