I had very little success in dating before 2020, but since the pandemic the amount of online dating users increased significantly and I started getting contacted a lot.
Initially my profile included the information that I am casually looking for date and that I do not want marriage nor kids.
I received many date invitations from blue collar men, but unfortunately every single one proved to be rude, disrespectful of my boundaries and my body. None of them wanted to take me to any sort of classy or fancy place and they frequently pressured me to split the costs of the date.
I am a plus size woman in my early 30s and I feel this caused them to see me as "a sucker" they can take advantage of.
After several experiences like this, I decided to try to identify the key features of online dating users nearby and try to find a pattern that caused only these undesirable matches to approach me.
I realized that the vast majority of decent looking middle class men with interesting profiles have their options set as: "Looking for marriage" & "wants kids". In desperation, I decided to edit my profile to match their options and also listed myself as looking only for marriage partners and wanting to have kids.
I was stunned by the outcome: I'm currently dating 3 decent, fit and attractive men who appreciate me and my body. I used to be very anxious about my looks and about making love, but now I look forward with excitement to every new date. I never felt this appreciated and I never had this much sex ever before in my life. It is wonderful!
Of course now I fear that they will somehow find out about each other, or that at some point one of them will ask to marry me.
Do you have any tips on how to make them accept the fact that I'm dating other men and also convince them to abandon their plans for kids and marriage?
Initially my profile included the information that I am casually looking for date and that I do not want marriage nor kids.
Women looking to casually date should not state that outright. If all you want is sex then all you need to do is match with someone, meet for a drink, then invite them back to your place or go back to their place. Easy peasy.
A lot of men do not trust women who say they’re just looking for something casual. The men you want to meet are going to be turned off by that admission. It’s not because they’re judging or slut-shaming you. They'll likely reject you because they know how easy men are to get into bed. They’ll wonder why you have to be so obvious about it or if it’s a trap.
If you’re genuinely not seeking anything serious for the immediate future then you can be upfront about that without attracting creeps. However, if you’re using that thinking it will make you more attractive, then creeps are what you’re going to get. Creeps will think you’re using sex to get their attention and they’ll exploit that to their advantage.
As I’ve mentioned several times over men have non-existent boundaries. If you explicitly state in your profile you’re looking to casually date, most men will interpret that as an invitation for sex.
None of them wanted to take me to any sort of classy or fancy place and they frequently pressured me to split the costs of the date.
Men are reading your profile and assuming you’re not looking for anything serious. (True.) So that must mean you’re seeking casual sex. (Not necessarily.) That’s why they’re not taking you on formal dates. Let’s be really clear about something: Men only pay for dates a) because it’s expected of them and b) as an investment. Then men you were originally meeting didn’t feel the need to impress you because - in their minds - you already offered sex. They’re not there to gauge whether there’s long-term compatibility or to woo you into sleeping with them. They assume it’s a given. As a result, they’re not going to spend a dime on you.
I am a plus size woman in my early 30s and I feel this caused them to see me as "a sucker" they can take advantage of.
While this might be true in some cases, I’m not sure it’s your weight that’s causing them to treat you disrespectfully. While it would be smart of them to pay for you since they want you to feel more comfortable, they don’t see your dates as regular dates. That, and not your weight, is the more likely reason they’re treating you the way you are.
I realized that the vast majority of decent looking middle class men with interesting profiles have their options set as: "Looking for marriage" & "wants kids". In desperation, I decided to edit my profile to match their options
I’m of two minds with this. On one hand, why not? Men do this all the time. On the other, it’s misleading and you’re potentially wasting their time. I say potentially because those men might be doing the very thing you’re doing and changing their preferences to meet what they believe would be higher quality women.
Of course now I fear that they will somehow find out about each other, or that at some point one of them will ask to marry me.
I think you might be putting the cart before the horse here. Unless they’ve told you straight out what their timeline to get married is, I doubt they’re in a rush. They won’t find out about each other unless you tell them you’re dating other men. Which you should not do. They’re probably dating other women so it’s not that big of a deal anyway. It’s not like you’re exclusive with all three. Should the topic of exclusivity come up all you have to say is you’re not ready for that, that you’re seeking marriage in the near future but not right now. Then it’s on them whether or not they wish to continue dating you.
Do you have any tips on how to make them accept the fact that I'm dating other men and also convince them to abandon their plans for kids and marriage?
It’s not your place to convince someone to abandon their plans of marriage and a family. Listen, it’s great that you’re enjoying yourself and feel appreciated, but try not to lose sight of something: you’re lying. While I won’t be shedding tears for these men any time soon as they’ll be just fine, it’s still wrong. It’s also really selfish.
I think you need to re-calibrate a bit. If it’s an option on the platform you’re using select “relationship” as you’re preferred option. That way you’ll get more eyeballs to your profile. There has to be something between “casual” and “marriage” to choose. If there isn’t, use a different dating platform so you can be more transparent.
The word “relationship” can be defined in different ways. You might want something casual but consistent with one person. Or you might want a relationship but not marriage. In your bio you can say you’re not on the marriage or baby track. (The people looking for a relationship are more likely to read your full profile.)
All this brings me to the $25,000 question: What - exactly - do you want? It’s not clear. Are you not looking for anything serious for now or forever? You need to figure that out before you do anything.
I know it’s feels good to be wanted but you can still accomplish that without leading people on.