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Men Only Agree To Be Exclusive When It's Convenient For Them

Have known a guy (A) for years in which we get together occasionally. When I see him it’s lovely, warm, and safe.

I also Occasionally date other guys but I keep them casual/friendly. According to Guy A, he doesn’t see anyone.

My leisure time is minimal with kids, work and my own interests. That being said, I would like to have a companion for intimacy, fun, travel, etc. at some point in my life.

I don’t do casual intimacy.

Guy A wants more intimacy and I mentioned the possibility of being sexually exclusive. He doesn’t want a relationship and has said so. He’s on board with exclusivity but wants to know how this would be different from a relationship. I mentioned communication, monogamy, respect, boundaries, …

He wants me to decide. And I really don’t know. All I see is his red flags … being hot and cold, non sharing of info unless I ask direct questions, minimal reach out . His good qualities is warm, reserved, listens, provides input.

Any suggestions or thoughts on deciding sexual exclusivity.

We talk more in-depth about this letter in this week’s podcast. Subscribe to listen.

As I’ve said before, sexual exclusivity is just Commitment Light. Men agree to sexual exclusivity because it provides them with the benefits of a committed relationship while still affording them the freedom to date (and eventually sleep with) other people. The concept was devised to give women dating men a false sense of security so men could explore their options without having to address the dreaded “what are we?” conversation.

Just because this man told you he wasn’t seeing anybody else doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to. It usually means either a) he is dating other people and being diplomatic or b) doesn’t want you dating anyone else, so you’re available when he has needs to be met.

He’s on board with exclusivity but wants to know how this would be different from a relationship. I mentioned communication, monogamy, respect, boundaries, …

He’s asking you to clarify your expectations regarding sexual exclusivity to negotiate the terms in his favor. You’re both doing this awkward dance because neither of you wants to say what you really want. You want a relationship. He wants regular sex without investing time, money, and effort into getting it. He’s willing to provide monogamy for now because it works for him. That is not an indication of anything other than he enjoys the sex.

If you’re going to take the risk of being physically intimate with him (especially in these times) the very least he could do is listen to you. That falls under the category of basic human decency. He provides input because that’s what people do in those situations. He’s got a pretty sweet deal right now. All he has to do to get sex is have a two-way conversation. That’s the barest of the bare minimum.

You’re trying to get blood from a stone here. In your letter, you express a clear desire for emotional intimacy. By saying he doesn’t want a relationship, he’s telling you he can’t (or doesn’t want to) meet that need.

He’s putting the onus on you because he doesn’t want the good thing he has going to stop. He’s more than happy to continue down whatever path you two are on as long as it’s convenient for him. If you decide you want more and end things, he’s okay with that, too, because he’s not emotionally invested.

He put the ball in your court because he doesn’t care what happens either way.

That, above anything else, is the red flag.

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