I can’t stop putting emotionally unavailable men on a pedestal So for a long time I’ve been choosing unavailable guys. I had a bit of therapy last year who outlined this to me, and now it is clear as day. I feel very strongly in myself that I know the signs of an unavailable man now, and I’d like to think I will be able to avoid them in future.
The last EU guy that really cemented that lesson was in November, he tried to sleep with me on the first date (to which I turned him down), then I was flattered that he kept pursuing me (a mistake I see now). Then over the next couple of dates he pulled out all the stops and I put him on a pedestal. This was a guy that I saw on hinge and swiped left to, and then a couple days later he liked me and I said ‘ah whatever I’ll give him a chance’ After the first date I didn’t find him attractive and didn’t think we had anything in common, yet I gave him another date to prove himself and then put him on a pedestal.
Suddenly I thought he was the hottest guy in the world, loved his music taste, dress sense etc. Then after the 4th date and sleeping together, he cut me off with a text about his ‘headspace’ 24 hours after leaving his house This was in November and I’m still butthurt about it. How do I stop? I’m annoyed that I know he’s not that special, yet my brain insists on thinking he’s ALL that!
I want to point out that you got hooked on this guy when he was, in your words, "pulling out all the stops." He wasn't behaving in a way that could be described as unavailable. It sounds like you think you're drawn to unavailable men, but I'm not sure that's the case. I couldn't say for sure as you only provided one example, of course, but maybe you've just heard people talk about unavailable men and so you've lumped yourself in with people who routinely fall for them? I see that a lot in various social media spaces. People become influenced by the stories and buzzwords being thrown around and self-diagnose.
It's frustrating to be rejected by someone you were going to reject first, I know. However, we don't typically give in and go on one date let alone two with someone we don't find attractive or enjoyable. Twice you told yourself you weren't interested and twice you gave in.
Why?
I can come up with a few possibilities, none of which have to do with being drawn to unavailable men.
1. When you initially rejected him, you weren't disinterested so much as his availability scared you. That happens to me sometimes. Someone will seem a little to available, a little too friendly, and I get scared off. That's my avoidant attachment style at work.
2. You thought he was "all that" all along. You rejected him because you intuitively knew he was insincere or posed some kind of threat to your self-esteem.
Both options involve you disregarding that inner conflict you were experiencing. You weren't rejecting him based on a lack of interest but because you sensed something was off. Now you're understandably frustrated that you didn't listen to your instincts.
Also consider that, after that fourth date, he decided he didn't see long-term compatibility and so he broke it off. It's so tempting to connect the sex with his rejection, but there's a very high likelihood they are unrelated. Also possible is that he got caught up in his own issues and, once presented with the possibility for a relationship, decided he wasn't ready.
These sorts of whiplash-causing starts and stops seem to be commonplace nowadays. From what I'm seeing and hearing while working with clients, there's an extreme level of both avoidance and paradox of choice holding singles back. From the linked article:
With every new match, my connection with each of the previous felt less special, each person seeming like a sporadic collection of parts. Here was their bio, and their favorite song, and there was their face, and that one time they caught an abnormally large fish — and then what? What made them different from the next? What made me different from the next? The seemingly infinite supply of options allowed me to care less, to distance myself, to treat people like items in an online shopping cart. And as a result, I found myself deeply unhappy with all of it.
Sound familiar?
I think we sometimes make things more intricate than they actually are because the real reason is so benign we dismiss it. Sometimes it's as simple as it's not you, it's me.
I think the best way to proceed in this situations is tend to your own ego and sense of self. Allow yourself to experience the hurt and disappointment instead of reaching for a handy diagnosis to explain what you're feeling and why he decided not to pursue things further.
I hope this helps.