In 2021 I started using dating apps for the first time. For reference, i am 46 and may not be caught up on modern dating culture. I matched with several people and went on some dates. One person in particular told me that he only has sex with one partner at a time meaning it’s a monogamous relationship. I agree and deleted the apps from my phone once we started having sex and don’t really give it a second thought.
Fast forward to now, he accused me of lying when I forgot to bring my phone when I went on a shopping for a few hours with my two friends. I’m not a person who is just attached to their phone all the time and to me it’s no big deal. Anyway, he refused to talk to me for two weeks, blocking me on socials (we’re not even friends on social) and then started calling me out about the app situation. ( I guess he got back on the apps)
There are other issues that have raised red flags in the 3 months we have been together, like saying he needed to stay home from my birthday party so he could wait for the maintenance man, never wanting to meet my friends, and just being mad st me about weird random things. Obviously, for me I’m saying fuck that guy but here’s my question. Was I wrong for not deleting the account or was deleting the app enough? As I continue on my dating journey, I’d like to know the protocol on this.
The chances that this rage machine can actually date more than one woman at a time are highly unlikely. His “offer” of monogamy wasn’t an offer at all. It was a veiled ultimatum.
He didn’t want you sleeping with anyone else not because he wanted to commit to you but because he’s an emotionally dysregulated man-child. He’d rather force you to be exclusive than have to worry if you’re out with other men.
That’s not romantic. That’s controlling.
You weren’t wrong for not deleting your account. Most people don’t know the difference between deactivating a profile and deleting the app. Most think they’re interchangeable but they’re not. You have to actually go into your profile and delete it manually before you delete the app. People need to earn that level of consideration. This guy couldn’t even be bothered to go to your birthday party. In no way did he deserve to be made a priority.
I wouldn’t delete a profile until you’re in a long-term serious relationship. I’m talking for several months. You shouldn’t have to expend the energy on a relationship that goes nowhere, deal with the disappointment when it doesn’t work, AND have to redo your Bumble prompts, amirite?
Without deleting the profile, it will stay on the app in perpetuity. While many dating apps say they only include active profiles in search stacks, I think that’s a lie. It’s in a dating app’s best interest to present a robust database of users. That’s why I think a lot of people who see the significant other of a friend on an app need to slow their roll before informing the potentially being-cheated-on partner
You can’t go a couple of hours without returning a text or phone call without him throwing a tantrum? Oh hell no. This guy needs to learn how to self-soothe. His inability to navigate his trust issues is why he suggested exclusivity. Rather than address them on his own, he’s making you responsible for them.
We👏Are 👏Not👏 Therapists 👏For👏 Broken👏 Men.