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Casual Sex Isn't For Everybody...And That's OK

Hi, I follow you on tiktok and love the advice you give.

I went through something that really hurt me a few months ago and I'm wondering of you can explain what happened.

I'm 40, a single mom, and a guy who used to work with me found me on a dating app. We started texting. He expressed that he always found me attractive. He asked me what I was looking for and I told him a good friend to hang out with and have some fun. He said he wasn't looking for anything serious either. The chemistry between us was incredible. We always had a crush on each other.

Texting soon turned to sexting and nude pics. We met up. Had sex. But spent hours in bed talking and laughing and sharing real intimate details about our lives. He told me that he always saw something happening between us.

The next day he acted weird, kept coming up with excuses to not meet up.... i feel horrible. Like something is wrong with me. Was I not good in bed. Was i too fat... etc. He doesn't view all my stories on insta and i become obsessed with knowing why...

a few weeks later he posts a picture with another woman on his Instagram..... im shattered. I had raised my hopes up and gotten attached to him.

What went wrong. Was I wrong to have our relationship turn physical too soon. Was I wrong in saying I didn't want anything serious even though I later developed feelings.

Aaagh this really hit my self confidence bad.

Let me know what you think.

Based on what you shared, it sounds like both of you expressed an interest in something purely sexual. At least, that's what it sounds like to me and what he probably heard. Whether he believed it or not is anybody's guess. I don't happen to think many men believe women when they say they're okay with no-strings sex. Instead, I think they assume the woman is looking for more but cling to plausible deniability, then use her own words against her should she get attached.

I think what may have happened is that you two hooked up and you wanted to see him again. He did not want that. Whether or not he had a girlfriend at the time you two had sex is unclear. It's also irrelevant because you told him you weren't looking for anything serious.

I believe he shut you down because he was concerned you had gotten attached and didn't want things to escalate to the point where there was a confrontation. Especially if at that point he was exclusive with the new woman he was dating. The last thing he wants is to provoke you into being angry and reaching out to her. (Please don't do that, BTW.)

In a nutshell, this guy was always going to do what he did. You didn't do anything to change his mind of turn him off.

Was I wrong in saying I didn't want anything serious even though I later developed feelings.

You were as honest as you could be at the time. You didn't intentionally mislead him. You believed you were strictly open to something casual and nothing else. Could you have been in denials? Absolutely and most likely, yes. You don't suddenly develop the propensity to get attached after sex. That was always a possibility.

You weren't wrong or bad for sleeping with him. There's nothing shameful about craving physical intimacy and connection. What would help going forward is to check-in with yourself when you find yourself in a similar situation. Ask yourself how you think you will handle certain scenarios, like if you find out a few weeks later he's now dating someone else. Be honest in your self-assessment.

Getting attached after sex isn't a flaw. Casual sex isn't for everybody and that's okay. You are not betraying the sisterhood or failing at feminism by catching feelings. You're human. You're allowed to want love.

More importantly, you deserve it.

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