Does He Really Like Her Or Is He Using Her?




Hey, so I've a complicated one. I've been madly in love with this fella since the age of 11 and back then he also liked me. We became friends. Fast forward to our late teens and we would share the odd drunken kiss. Also we ended up having a one night stand. Fast forward to our early 20s we found ourselves in a weird situationship where we basically partied and slept together, he had practically moved in with me for a few weeks. He liked one of my friends and she liked him so I did the right thing an I stepped back and set them up. I wanted to see him happy.


Ten years later we have found ourselves in the situation again. I had lost all feelings towards him, always a soft spot of course. He came over to mine a month ago to catch up and he instigated a hook up. Asking me why we never got together and telling me that he's always liked me. After staying 3 nights I left him home and he asked what this was between us, I answered it was only a bit of fun. Because I genuinely thought that's what it was. Second weekend, the same thing happens. He spends 2 nights with me. I'm not catching feelings. It's just fun.


Third weekend (valentines), he produces a rose for me and we are then each others valentines. He tells me that he's exactly where he's meant to be (when lying in bed beside me) and that he had an inkling something would happen between us. He's showering me with compliments and telling me that he smiles knowing that I smile because of him. We text 24/7, he calls me to check up on me and see how I am. He has mentioned that we should go to Amsterdam together, etc. So, like making plans for the future, but is it as friends or what? I ask him last weekend (valentines) what this was between us to which he replied he doesn't know yet, he reversed the question on me and I gave him the same response. So now I've caught feelings.


This weekend was different. He blurted out last night as we're cuddling on the sofa watching a movie, not even on the topic, that he's afraid of commitment and when I asked him what does he mean he went on to explain that he feels he's not at his peak yet, how he wants to get back into shape, stop smoking and drinking and have savings to build a house before committing to a relationship. And how he feels that could be in 3/4 years time. In other words, he wants to be his best self to give to someone...... So now I'm left wondering what the hell last weekend was all about.


Where do I stand? I know I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. Again. But I also feel he wants more but then he pulled back. We're really good friends though. We get on well on all levels. We share the same weird sense of humour. He says he can totally relax around me and we are extremely comfortable around one another. Help me


See, I want to believe this guy is just having some cold feet, but there’s something nagging at me.


Why does he spend consecutive nights with you on the weekends?


I’m just jaded, right? I’m your stereotypical cynical New Yorker always looking for the angle.


Right? RIGHT?


This story doesn’t sit well with me. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really do, because I don’t want to see you get your hopes up. However…

I don’t like that he…


…would sleep with you then start dating your friend that really, truly bothers me. Side note: she sucks, too. I hope she’s no longer your friend. I don’t care that ou were young-ish. Early twenties is plenty old to know you don’t do that to someone. Christ, we learn that in middle school.

…answered your question about wanting to define the relationship with, “I don’t know yet” - a non-answer - then flipped the script and asked what you were looking for. You were brilliant, though, because you responded with a non-answer as well. Good. Give that man nothing.