How To Match With People You Find Attractive

Why is it that men on my dating sites (Elite and Match) who look non professional and have none of my interests the only ones who pick me? and the men I reach out to never respond to me? Those guys look like they should be on Post Office wall as the serial killers. Truly.

Please keep in mind is that what you're experiencing is not unique to you. On the contrary, it's a universal hurdle many single online dating users face. When I ask profile review clients what their experience has been with their dating profile, the responses - almost across the board - resemble yours.

This happens for two reasons:

  1. We all overestimate our dating league when dating online

Online daters tend to pursue users who are roughly 25% "more desirable" than they are -- and, by the looks of their messages, many are well aware of the "hierarchy," according to a study published Wednesday in the journal Science Advances.
The study found that the higher up we reach, the longer our messages tend to get -- and the less likely we'll get a message back. -

2. The relative anonymity emboldens people to shoot their shot.

"The costs of being aspirational are so low in this context -- in contrast to pursuing partners in person, where the rejection really stings," Eli Finkel, a professor of psychology and management at Northwestern University, told CNN in an e-mail. Finkel was not involved in the newly published research. -

Before you suck your teeth and say, "Bless their heart" when you receive a message from someone you deem unfit, know this: there are people out there who think the same exact thing when they see your message. This is one of the biggest realities many online daters refuse to face even though, logically, it makes sense. The general belief is that people who initiate interest are low quality, when they're actually the opposite. They're the ones available enough that they're reaching out. Versus the people you pursue who, if they were interested or looking for people like you, would have found you.

But all is not lost, my friend. Here's another quote from the article linked above:

"If you're willing to put in the effort and you're comfortable with your low reply rate, you certainly can pursue and date people who are out of your league.
"We can tell you what your probabilities [of getting a response] are, and perhaps they are hovering around 10% when you're messaging aspirationally. But that's not zero."

Yes, there is a chance you can get a response from your desired potential match. Just make note of the verbiage in that quote. You have a 10% chance of a response. A response. Not necessarily a match. That said, there are things you can do to improve your match rate.

Use the dating sites and dating apps that most people us