Hi!! I just want to start with the fact that I adore you and your podcasts! So my story is I started dating a guy that I worked with that had just ended a 10 year relationship. We said I love you within a month, moved in together, and had a seemingly perfect relationship for almost 2 years. I started noticing him gaslighting me, and picking me apart around October 2020. We stopped having sex, argued constantly, the relationship went to shit. On Christmas morning, my favorite holiday, he broke up with me and said he was unhappy. We got back together the next day.
The day after that we had a talk about what we needed to fix in the relationship. His complaints were that I didn’t clean enough, and forgot to turn off the lights constantly. Mine were that I felt like he never heard me, and always made my feelings seem stupid or irrational.
On the 31st I was about to leave for work and noticed a tinder notification on his phone. He was still drunk from the night before and gave me his phone password and I saw all his messages that he had sent everyday since Christmas morning asking girls to have sex with him. No one even wanted to. I left that day but came back ten days later and I don’t even know why.
I can’t decide if he’s a narcissist or just a dick. He won’t even give me an explanation as to why he cheated, he just blames it on drinking. Do you have any advice for me or thoughts on my situation?
I want to point out the distinct difference in your individual reasons for breaking up.
Him: You don't clean enough and forget to turn off the lights.
You: I feel ignored and like you don't listen to me and don't like that you belittle me and my feelings.
See the difference?
His reasons are bullshit. Yours have substance. I suspect he wants out, but not because you make him unhappy. Judging by his non-reasons for breaking up, it's just the opposite. He knows you're great but simply does not wish to be exclusive or committed.
He jumped from his 10 year relationship to a 2 year one with you and now wants to be single. That's probably why he picks fights. That kind of behavior is what I call an outlier. Outliers are manifestations of deeper issues. In this case, the issue is he doesn't want to be tied down.
Whether he's a narcissist or a dick isn't really relevant. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. That's all you need to know. (Though, if it matters, I think he's just a dick.)