Is He Hiding A Secret Life?

Saw you on tiktok and wanted to reach out. I’m having some issues dealing with my boyfriend’s handling or lack there of when it comes to meeting certain friends. We were childhood sweethearts who got back together 9 months. Really we are getting to know each other as adults 40 years later. He says lots of wonderful things and does lots of wonderful things for the most part. We have fun together most days. He gave me a key to his house and since then old friends just drop by. One actually tried to hack into my Facebook account. Well it was someone on the same block he lives on at 5:30am on a Tuesday morning from a Samsung phone. And then there were the screws put in both our tires. Rear drivers side for us both. Then there’s the constant feeling that someone has been in the house while we are away. We got a ring doorbell and security camera.

All that being said about the background, my concern are the random friends who just drop by during Covid. Always his reason why I can’t meet them. “It’s covid”. But there is one man in particular and yesterday a female who he calls his sister and had to declare to me that she is happily married and he is happy for her. My whole thing is why can’t they come by when I’m there. They seem to only drop by when I’m not staying over and I’m there more days than I’m not. I asked him if there was a reason why he doesn’t feel i’m worth meeting him. (I could have said that differently but really didn’t know how and I am exhausted with what I feel is total exclusion with certain people). He told me the guy friend wasn’t worthy to meet me.

I know this is a lot to unpack. I realize everyone comes with baggage and no one is perfect. I feel I’m not communicating clearly my needs because my boyfriend will usually just shut down and not communicate at all when he doesn’t like the topic. That keeps the problem there for me because nothing gets resolved.

Holy Jessica Fletcher! Let's unpack this mystery.

First, nobody "stops by" someone's home, pandemic or not. This isn't the 50's where people randomly appeared on your doorstep with a casserole. While there's always that occasional justified pop-in, the fact it happens regularly is sketchy. Throw in the hacked Facebook account and screws in your tires, and I suspect he's up to something with either the man or woman that visits him when you're not there.

This isn't baggage. A contentious relationship with their family is baggage. This is suspicious activity. You could be a skilled negotiator and your partner would still shut down. That's not an indication of poor communications kills. That's a sign of someone with something to hide.

His COVID excuse is baseless. COVID is an airborne virus that is more likely to be contracted in enclosed spaces. Just having them in the same home where you also live (even part-time) and sleep is risky. He doesn't want you to meet them for a reason. What that reason is, is inconsequential. Doesn't matter a bit. Your partner is hiding information or aspects of his life from you. Full stop. You have to ask yourself why they appear to come around when you're not there. Clearly, they know when you're there and when you aren't. Whether he tells them that info or they glean it by not seeing you/your car also doesn't matter. They know when you're not there and that's when they appear. Suss, as the kids say.

Either this guy is mixed up in some underhanded/possibly illegal business or he's cheating on you. Those are the two most likely options. There's someone who is clearly threatened by your presence in his life.

That said, understand that you could confront him and - more than likely - he won't tell you the truth. You could try to unravel the mystery yourself, but you'll end up at the bottom of a rabbit hole and possibly lose yourself and your sanity in the process.

As hard as it might be, you need to either prepare yourself for more cloak and dagger shenanigans until it comes to a head or you can leave. It's unrealistic to think anybody could just go cold turkey on a relationship. You may have to wean yourself off of him until you feel you can walk away without going through emotional withdrawal.

Whatever you choose, please make sure to have a support system of good friends or family that can be there for you. Having people to turn to who might need to help you move or offer a place to stay or just a shoulder to lean on is critical in these situations.

Good luck!