top of page

The #1 Reason You're Not Getting Dates With Dating Apps

I'm no stranger to dating apps and know it's best to keep general expectations low, especially when it comes to manners, but something I've noticed all too often when emailing women is that at some point I get a terse response with no questions. I interpret this to mean they're not very interested and find this rude, lazy, and unacceptable. We're not talking about a conversational exchange. This is something that usually happens too early for that. If we've exchanged a number of lengthy emails/texts that might be acceptable given the context and flow of the conversation.

Now I know a lot of women in this city don't want to date anyone who doesn't live in Manhattan either because the trip is too far for them or they assume the man doesn't make enough money or is low-brow or whatever. That's fine. I'd rather date someone closer to home anyway, but why respond at all if that's the case? I'm a good looking guy and do okay, but I do encounter this kind of behavior too often to be ignored. I would have to assume they're making the least amount of effort possible just in case they want to have me as a backup. I don't enable this kind of behavior so I end up blocking them as soon as the one-liner pops up. Maybe I'm being impatient, but I don't think so. I've seen this happen a lot and refuse to waste my mental energy on them.

I've experimented with just saying NY, NY then saying I'm in Queens when asked. Eight times out of ten I either receive a terse response or no response at all even from some women who don't live in Manhattan. If you google the demographics of this city for where the single people live you'll find that single women greatly outnumber single men in Manhattan and the opposite is true in the outer boroughs. I have no problem making the trip into Manhattan. It's only 30-45 minutes on the train depending on where I'm going. It does appear to me though that if more women were open-minded about whom they're willing to take a chance on more people in general would be happier. Anyway, the question I have is more about why women bother responding at all if they're not going to show they're interested by asking questions? This isn't necessarily due to being geographically undesirable, though it probably is in most cases. It's just something I've come across that is profoundly annoying.

I think you might be connecting the wrong dots. You're assuming that the women are responding with one-word answers because they've learned you live in Queens, not Manhattan. While it's totally possible one or two of these women might be turning their nose up at your geographic location, I suspect the more likely reason they reply with clipped responses is because the conversation has become tedious.

The entire point of traditional online dating sites and popular dating apps is to meet offline, not find pen pals. At this stage of the game, anything that extends beyond pleasantries and brief get-to-know-you questions is a waste of people's time.

The most counter-intuitive thing you can do when utilizing a dating app like Tinder or Bumble to get dates is to drag out the process. Dating apps were designed to cut through the BS and cut back on dead-end email exchanges that ultimately go nowhere. That's a big reason why you can't write messages using a desk top, only a phone. Writing emails with a laptop only encourages people to ask more questions and prolong the time between matching and meeting.

The only way to increase your chances of meeting matches offline is to skip the chit-chat and set up a date. The date is where you can engage in more substantive conversation. Swiping right then sitting on your phone for days on end is a sure-fire way to end up getting ghosted by matches.

Here's how to go from swiping to matching to first date.

1. Greeting - Hey there! Looks like we're a match. (Insert something unique to their profile/bio/photos to prove you've made an effort and aren't cutting and pasting.)

2. Response 1 - Reply to their message. Answer their question if they asked one. Ask a question that isn't too personal.

3. Response 2 - Reply to their message. Ask a question that isn't too personal or answer one they've asked you.

If conversation is flowing, and by this I mean isn't just a flurry of interview-like questions, seize the moment.

4. Suggest a date.

The goal is to ask them out while you have them engaged. Try to avoid long lags between messages. You want to make the move to suggesting a date while you have their attention.

In general, this should not go on for more than a couple hours, give or take the time at which you first match. If you're swiping late evening or early morning, give it a few hours to allow them to respond.

Good luck!

60 views0 comments


bottom of page