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Where Are All The Emotionally Healthy Men?

Hi! Im about to be 32 and live in NYC. I have never been in a relationship, by choice. To give you a little more background Im a therapist. I have done a lot of inner work, self-reflection, I’m emotionally mature and emotionally aware while I still work on myself. I’ve put myself out there, been on dating apps, you name it.

My biggest struggle besides the normal unfortunate struggle of finding guys that breadcrumb, won’t commit, and ghost is finding men that are also trying into personal development, going to therapy, emotionally mature or trying to be…. Where does a therapist find a guy to date?

These apps are not working for me. They haven’t been for the past 10 years. Thank you!

I don’t happen to think dating apps are the problem. I know it’s de rigueur to trash online dating but the truth is the apps do work. They just pose problems for people who lack self-awareness, have no patience, or haven’t delved into their trauma and begun the healing process.

It’s not the platform itself that is the problem. It’s more of a conduit for people who have no access to affordable therapy, don’t believe in it, or don’t think they need it. Which, unfortunately, is a large portion of the population.

Then there are the people like you. You’re on a higher level of awareness than most, which is why you’re struggling to meet someone compatible. While there are so many benefits to doing the inner work, there’s one very glaring downside. That self-awareness you’ve developed now makes you so attuned to your surroundings that all you see are red flags. You learn in one or two dates what takes most people months to figure out.

The mother problem (typo. keeping it.) you have to contend with is that our society doesn’t exactly encourage men to take responsibility for their actions or be vulnerable enough to sit in a therapist’s office and look within. It would be great if you could meet someone who is as committed to self-improvement as you are. Unfortunately, there’s more of us than there are of them.

Finally, you’re a therapist. Most people - even the ones who believe in therapy - are intimidated by the idea of dating someone who analyzes human behavior for a living. The thought of being that transparent to someone is scary.

We all have blind spots. Even therapists. You said you haven’t had a relationship by choice. Are your standards are so high because you don’t actually want anyone to reach them? Is this a defense mechanism of some kind?

If you haven’t already, go back to your dating profile and add in a line like, “Bonus points if you’re in therapy.” Give examples of how self-actualized you are with the intention of attracting someone similar. Put out what you’re trying to attract.

As you well know, we’re all a work-in-progress. We’re just in different stages. My advice is to date someone who might be a few steps behind you but shows a willingness to improve.

I think you’re going to need to make some concessions. Accept that not everyone is going to be your exact intellectual and emotional equal. You need to find someone capable of introspection and open to change and work from there.

I hope this helps.

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