Why Don't They Just Say They're Not Interested?




Quick question. I connected with a guy from Tinder in 2019. Since I don't like to text, I gave him my number so that we could arrange to meet up. He only wanted to meet up if I could schedule a quick phone call first. He could only speak at night and at that time my son's homework/bath/bed routine took up all my nighttime energy. I told him that, and thought (since we lived only a couple miles apart) should just pick a spot to meet and have a drink. Instead, he called me every evening (I declined) and even on Friday when I didn't have my son - but was on a date at a live performance. By Saturday morning I was kind of over it.


Every text he sent trying to set up a phone call included a selfie and 'WYD?' or a selfie with 'Talk or Text?' I was at the gym ready to go into class on Saturday and told him I didn't really want a phone call and called off the date. I know there's advice for women to have a call first to check chemistry or that the guy could hold a conversation. When I've done this at a guy's request, I've been on the end of too long awkward conversations - and I went on the dates anyway.


Was I wrong for ignoring his request? Maybe after too many app dates my head wasn't in a good space, but I just felt it was a potential waste of time, when driving a few minutes, having one drink, and sussing it out would have been preferable.


Logically, it makes no sense that you wouldn’t want to risk an awkward telephone call but would happily risk an awkward in-person conversation.


You didn’t want to go out with him. Period. Full stop. That’s probably for the best considering the more you retreated the more he tried to get you to connect. That’s a classic avoidant/anxious attachment dynamic. That relationship probably would have ended up being toxic.


Every step of the way, you were demonstrating with your behavior that you did not want to meet this guy. You constantly found excuses not to speak on the phone. All the guy wanted was to chat before meeting. If you had been interested enough you would have complied. You just weren’t into it. Which is fine. What’s not fine is how you went about communicating that.


You know me and how I have zero fucks to give when it comes to white men’s tears. By constantly agreeing to chat, you set this guy up to fail because you wanted an excuse not to go out with him. That’s not fair. To him or to you.


If the roles were reversed, I think we know what the comments would look like.

Why couldn’t he just say he wasn’t interested?

Sometimes people don’t know how they feel until they’re forced to confront what’s going on internally. They’ll leave a date thinking they had a pleasant time but not really analyze the experience. It’s only when they get a text from their match suggesting they meet-up again that they decide whether or not they’re interested. I’ll be this is why people message with their match for days, set up a date then ghost. They’re in denial the whole time and are waiting for their match to give them a reason to bail.


It was only when you felt justified blowing him off that you admitted you weren’t into him. Once he gave you an opening where you wouldn’t feel bad for rejecting him after stringing him along, you took it.


It happens. It’s not a great thing to do but you’re human. Just try not to make this a habit. 😉




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