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F*ck That Guy: Friends With Benefits Edition

Listen to The Dateology Coach Podcast for more dating advice.

So I’m trying to get out of a fwb situation. We are on this dance for over a year. We used to talk to each other every day, I met his parents and I was introduced to kids which I met more than once (he swears by he never introduce to anyone to his kids) and that lead me to think he wanted more… one day he flipped the switch and started to push me away…

After months without meeting (and I’m 100% sure he was w someone else - he doesn’t know but I saw them) or even talking, he came back as if nothing happened. Since it’s a fwb thing I went with it and responded as if nothing happened. He wanted to see me but I had dinner w a good friend of mine and told him I couldn’t. He assumed it was a date (it wasn’t) and told me and I quote: so let me f* you before you go on your date. I was kind of in shock and just answered “…if we’re fwb I want the complete s*x sesh, not just a quickie and plus I need time to get ready for dinner. Rain check.”

I’m not sure if he was trying to establish dominance or was jealous but after that day he started to talk more often (not every day as it was before, though) and went back on sending pictures of his kids and things more “intimate”. I know it’s a “f* that guy” situation, but I’m lost.

What happened here is this man wanted The Girlfriend Experience without providing any benefits in return. Sex is not a benefit. Most men are average lovers at best. Security, monogamy, and consistency are benefits. Their semi-satisfying penis is not.

He was getting what he needed: Sex and companionship. You weren’t asking for anything more so he thought he was in the clear. He deluded himself into thinking he could treat you like a girlfriend without having to commit to you.

Then, when you either spoke up about it and asked his intentions or developed certain expectations, he backed off. Like most men in these situations, he was hoping he could fly under the radar and avoid having to step things up or take them to the next level. He wanted the flexibility to do what he wanted without feeling obligated to one person.

Then, when you stopped making yourself available, he felt threatened. As we mentioned in this week’s podcast, sometimes people use sex as a barometer for someone’s interest in them. If you accepted his gross proposition, that meant he still had space in your head and bed. It was a test of sorts. He wanted to see if you were still into him. It was also a desperate attempt to ensure you went on that date thinking of him. In his mind, you’re his property. You are to be at his beck and call. He does not want you moving on. That’s not a compliment. It’s not flattering. It’s creepy.

This is not someone who knows how to communicate his thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. Which isn’t to imply he cares for you. Even if he did, he cares for you on his terms and in his way. That’s not acceptable.

Fuck That Guy.

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