This specific pattern has happened to me multiple times that I have noticed there may be something wrong with me. I would match with a guy online dating app, talk to them for a few days and then they would ask for my number. We will talk for another few days via text and then they would ask me to FaceTime with them. This pattern had happened to me more than three or four times when after FaceTiming with these guys they either have become cold and slowly faded away or they have ghosted me all together. Prior to the FaceTime we would have great chemistry but somehow I tend to ruin it after FT. Is it my looks or my personality that scares these guys because they liked my pictures & my personality on text then what happens on FaceTime?!
This last guy I thought I could see my future with stopped responding to my text after FT. Please advise if I should just stop or ask him straight if he’s interested in meeting in person?
Let’s first establish that you are not doing anything wrong. Let’s say they felt as though there wasn’t a romantic spark. That has nothing to do with you. That’s about them and their expectations. We all develop expectations. It’s human nature. That said, here are some reasons they might have disappeared.
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They Thought You Were A Catfish
I will reiterate that a lot of men’s greatest fear going into the first meeting with an online match is that the person will catfish them. Exhibit A: The tool in the video embedded in this post.
Unless you’re posting drastically old photos, these men might have thought you didn’t look exactly like your pictures (many of us don’t) and therefore were intentionally deceptive. Again - unless you knowingly posted photos where you look drastically different - that is not on you. That is about their lack of understanding of photography, angles, and dimensions.
They Didn’t Feel a Romantic Spark
People have the right to determine what lengths they will or will not go to for a virtual stranger. There’s a reason why water is made of hydrogen and oxygen and not hydrogen and iron. Some chemicals, when combined, simply do not result in anything that lasts. However…
They Were Unavailable All Along
You said the text conversations were great. If they felt the same and were truly available for a relationship they’d have given you the benefit of the doubt, chalked any lack of sparks up to nerves, and met you offline. That none of them took that chance on you suggests to me they were never available in the first place. Dating apps are breeding grounds for people looking for validation or an escape from their mundane and often lonely lives.
They Built An Inaccurate Image Of You In Their Head
The main reason I encourage people to only message for a day or so and meet up quickly is to avoid either person developing an image in their head of who this person is or looks like. We create an idea of someone and romanticize them. Then, when they don’t match that image, we feel deflated.
Here’s what you should do going forward:
Get An Objective Assessment Of Your Photos
Ask a friend you trust to review your pictures to help you determine if they’re similar to how you present in person. You don’t have to look exactly like your photos. You just need to look similar to them. This is the expectation everybody must possess when meeting people from dating apps IRL. My suggestion is to avoid posting photos taken at angles and instead use ones that are shot face-on.
Do Video Chats On A Desktop
The problem with doing video calls on your phone is the unflattering angles. Think about it: You’re usually holding your phone, it’s shaking, and you rest it against something to keep it steady. All the while you’re fidgeting and moving around. That alone creates an unsteady/unsure energy. Sit at your desk or at a coffee table, have a glass of wine/water/coffee, and look at the camera. Create a relaxed environment.
Don’t Message For Long
Exchange messages for 1-2 days max. What you want to avoid is building a narrative in your head of who this person is and the kind of connection you and they have. You said you saw a future with one of these men. That’s normal and common but often leads to the very experience you’re having. By communicating for several days, you’re producing oxytocin and forming an attachment to them. It’s that oxytocin that is coloring your perception of these connections, making you think they’re mutual.
Keep Things On The App
Do not give them any other way to contact you besides that app until you’re about to meet in person. The less information they have about you, the less likely it is they’ll create a story in their head about who you are. Remaining on the app draws a necessary boundary that will assist in protecting yourself physically and emotionally.
Let Them See You Sooner Rather Than Later
Don’t give them time to create that false image. Let them hear your voice and see your mannerisms. Move from one dimensional to two dimensional to three dimensional as quickly as you feel comfortable.
Your thoughts?