Would You Want To Know You Were Someone's Second Choice?




Just wondering if you can advise: texting a guy for a couple weeks we hit it off and planned on meeting. He ticked all my boxes! Due to work and family commitment for both of us we haven’t met. Last night I received a text here is the basics: I want to meet you, but I have seen someone casually a few times and it looks like it might work, who knows. Sorry, I hope you understand. All the best for the summer and beyond.

My question is I would like to wish him luck but also say if it doesn’t work out feel free to contact me. Without sounding like I am waiting on him. Is this wrong? Should I send an email address or phone number? We have only text thru the dating site.


It’s not wrong to make yourself vulnerable and let someone know you’re interested. That’s never wrong.


I don’t care for this kind of up-front honesty. I’ve had it done to me before. While I respected his transparency, I didn’t like having it confirmed that while he’d been engaging me he’d also been maintaining a possible relationship with someone else. Granted, it’s not like he was cheating or anything but it did make me feel like a fall-back plan if Option #1 didn’t work out.


Which isn’t to say I expected him to be messaging with me and only me. I’m not that naive nor did he owe me that level of priority. I always assumed my matches were talking to other people.


I just didn’t want it confirmed. I didn’t want to know know. You know?

Once I was certain a match was communicating with another woman it made me feel stupid. I felt foolish that I ever got my hopes up and invested time in someone who probably knew he was never going to meet me. All along I’d been in the running for a job that I thought I had a decent chance of getting only to find out they were always going to go someone else. Was it something I said? Did I not measure up? A pinwheel of thoughts would whirl through my head.


The reason I don’t think you should say anything to this guy is that, if he wanted to leave that door open, he had the opportunity to do so. He could have given you the excuse about being super busy or not being in the right headspace for dating. Instead he made it crystal clear he chose someone else. Had this guy been intrigued enough, he would have at least met you once. Just to see. Just to make sure he either was or wasn’t making the right decision to pursue someone else.


Nobody likes coming in second place. Second place means you almost won. If you had just run a little fast. If that turn was a little sharper. If your project was a tiny bit better.

Second sucks.


My personal preference is to let someone construct their own narrative around why they’re being rejected. Allow them to tell themselves the timing wasn’t right or the person rejecting them wasn’t ready for a relationship. People say they want the truth but they really don’t. They want their version of the truth.


I would simply reply and wish him well. You’ve made yourself vulnerable enough to this guy.

Always take the high road. Not only will it leave you with no regrets but it will make a lasting impression. One that might encourage them to bookmark your profile and contact you at a later date.


I’m sorry it didn’t work out.


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